


The Bottom Shelf Of His Bedside Table

by princey_pie



Series: Dear Diary Universe [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, idk what to tag this with but Logan is not okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:02:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22916659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princey_pie/pseuds/princey_pie
Summary: Logan is perfectly fine until it turns out that he is not fine at all.
Relationships: Logic | Logan Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, platonic Logicality
Series: Dear Diary Universe [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1193599
Comments: 8
Kudos: 42





	The Bottom Shelf Of His Bedside Table

**Author's Note:**

> Please stay away from this if you can't handle self-harm. This is your last warning. This is not a happy fic.  
> The author is kinda venting here while also trying to figure out while talking about this to their therapist, yay.

Logan had it under control.

He organized his life to the very last detail. He had a color-coded daily life planner and a poster on the wall that illustrated what he needed to do for the next 10 years to achieve the goals he had set for himself. And so far it went great.

He was accepted into his dream college and while he was not the top of the glass like he had been in high school, he was happy and his grades were good enough. Not to mention that the university library was one of the biggest in the whole country. He never dreamt to have access to so many books and even between his classes he found the time to read a bit off-topic.

Not only academically his life was going well, but he also had found better friends than he had ever imagined in his teenage years. He moved out of his parents' home and found a family that didn't make him feel alone in a room filled with people.

One of them, Patton, was currently walking beside him. They were on their way to class even though it was practically their vacation - it was the only time the entry-level japanese courses were held and places were furiously chased after.  
And even the books weighing heavy yon his shoulder bag couldn't dampen his excitement. After years of preparation, this was the last step before he could study a semester abroad in Japan. Patton, on the other hand, was just as excited as him because he wanted to be able to order all these cute dresses from japanese websites without a translator.

Then the universe slammed a door into their face. Both figuratively and literally.  
Figuratively because the professor informed them in broken english that the class was too full and they drew lots on who was allowed to stay. Logan and Patton were not on that list. Literally because as soon as he announced that the prof shushed them out of the room and slammed the door shut.

They stood in the hallway and numbness spread in Ligan's chest.

He couldn't take the language class he needed to move to the more advanced ones. It meant no learning japanese in time before he would finish his master's degree which would mean no semester abroad. No japanese meant that he wouldn't be able to work in his dream job.

"-okay?"

It barely occurred to Logan that Patton had asked him a question. He tried to nod and noticed that he was shaking. "I'm fine but I think I'll head home now."

Patton looked concerned. "You know, maybe if we write that email to complain and ask them to offer a second class then-"

"Then they still won't hold it this semester. And if they wanted to then they would have done so in the previous years. We knew this class would be full I just didn't expect to be thrown out immediately. I hoped-" Logan cut himself off. "I'll just go home." He didn't accept Patton's offer to drive him and he didn't take Roman's call that clearly wanted to ask him how the class had been.

He just slowly walked home and only when the door closed behind him, the tears started dripping off his face. Logan let them fall to the floor unnoticed.

Instead, he went to clean. He did the dishes, he vacuumed, he folded and put away his clean laundry from last night. At some point, the tears had stopped.

He sat down at his desk and pulled the japanese books out of his bag and carefully placed them into a drawer. The quite tud the wood made when he closed the drawer sounded final.

Logan sat there for about an hour, starring at the blank wall, his mind just as blank.

When he finally moved it was only to carefully take down the poster of his life plan, fold it and then placing it on top of the trash can.

He stood in his tiny apartment that felt a lot more empty than this morning as he had left.

H looked around, let his gaze wander over his books, his furniture, the fairy lights Roman have installed over his bed and found nothing worth staying for. Nothing that tied him to this place. It all seemed hollow now.

Logan sank back into his chair as tried to think of what to do. His thoughts were whirling and he remembered the last time he felt this disappointed. It had been the day of his driving test and his tester told him on the last turn that he failed. Logan felt his hands start to shake against the armrest and he quickly pushed the memory aside.

Still, the restlessness that had settled into his bones didn't fade. Logan didn't like to be powerless, he detested it even. But no there was nothing he could do and he couldn't ignore this situation no matter what he did. He was stuck and it wouldn't change.

His eyes jumped to his bedside table, to what he knew was behind the small door shoved to the back of the lowest shelf. Logan debated with himself then suddenly stood. He had it in control. He had it in control last summer when a stupid mistake and his inability to say no gad resulted in him falling for a stupid phone call scam. In retrospective, it was resolved quickly but at the moment it had swelled in his mind until it blocked every other thought.

So he had done the first thing his hands told him to and pulled out the decorative knife Deceit had gifted him after one of his late-night shopping sprees. It hadn't been very sharp against his arm but enough for Logan. He didn't need to break skin, he was not a self-harmer, after all, he had it under control. Still, the steel against his skin had sent an excited shiver through and it had felt good as he applied more and more pressure until he found the courage to make the first cut.

Adrenaline flooded his system with the pain. Logan gasped in a breath and his head cleared. A sense of calm came over him and he could think for the first time in two insufferable hours. Logan's laugh was slightly hysterical as he made the next line.

Soon his arm was littered with thin white lines. Barely there wounds that quickly turned an upset red as blood rushed to the damaged cells but never escaped.  
Logan had stayed true to his word and didn't break skin. He had it under control.

So the knife had gone into his nightstand and the barely-there cuts had healed quickly after a few days. Logan didn't do it again. At least not after the next few times that all were exceptions. He wasn't addicted, after all, it wasn't a problem. He had it under control.

He ran a finger over the blade and took his seat again. He rolled up his sleeve and quickly guided the blade over his arm. Satisfied he watched as slowly, one after another, thin lines appeared in his skin. A proof of the whirlwind in his head, something solid, something real. Proof that he wasn't overreacting or making this all up.

He flinched when blood started pooling from under the blade. He lifted it away and examined the wound. He must have accidentally broken skin. Fascinated and strangely satisfied he watched the blood gather and slowly pool out of the wound. It was fine, it was a one-time thing, it still wasn't like he had a problem.

He made another swift move with the knife and more blood joined the other. The pain barely registered and he lifted the blade again.

Logan had it under control. Until he didn't.


End file.
